WLTM Girl For Steak And Blowjob Day

Posted: October 20th, 2010 | Author: | Filed under: Miserable Love Life | No Comments »

I have a friend who is adamant. He believes there is a time to date, and a time to run from relationships like they’re doused in Anthrax. He calls it the “season of dating”.

What the hell is a season of dating? That was my first question. He replied that a season of dating would be the time that runs from February 15th to the month before Christmas. He could be accused of being a cheapskate and simply not wanting to buy gifts, right? He is that kind of hardline bastard, after all. Not that it ever seems to stop him from getting the girls.

Ask most guys and they’ll tell you their favourite season is Halloween. We all love to celebrate a good fancy dress eyeballing fest. Mainly because it’s the one occasion where our girlfriends get dressed up in the kind of whoreish outfits that would get us slapped for even suggesting on a routine shop.

“So what have you come as?” My bedroom fantasies, usually. Thank god for October 31st.

Anyway, I also asked this friend if he policed his love life to avoid girls who celebrated birthdays in the “peak season”. Is there any hope for the sweetheart born in summer? Or is the thought of a journey to Clintons enough to call it a day? As long as she realizes it means nothing, was his answer. Bloody charming.

According to my friend’s logic, February to November is the period of casual skirmishing where it’s perfectly okay to have a girlfriend because she isn’t going to get big hopes. Summer romancing is laid back, he claimed. It comes without heavy commitment and it’s not until Christmas that she’ll sink her claws in to your balls. I pretty much laughed in his face. From my experience, women are capable of grabbing you by the balls anytime they see fit.

But he definitely has a point about waiting until after Valentines Day before making your move. I mean, Jesus, if ever there was a holiday designed to hit the wallet and not the purse…it’s fucking Valentines Day.

Make your move in March, however, and the first holiday you’ll be celebrating together is my personal favourite – Steak and Blowjob Day.

So can you imagine my luck when I started dating a girl just in time for Match 14th’s Steak & Blowjob Day – literally, like the god damn weekend before. What was the first thing I discovered about my new girlfriend? Oh only that she was born on March 14th.

Talk about a burst balloon. I think she felt me deflate on the spot. I tried to bargain in vain. We can go out for the swankiest lunch! I’ll buy you the biggest diamond! Just give me my steak and blowjob, baby.

But it was a lost cause. Not even the slightest sniff of a sirloin round her parents’ packed dining table.

I guess that’s why our relationship never worked out.

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