Are You Feeling The Valentines Day Heat?

I found an odd parcel in my mailbox yesterday. It was addressed to my girlfriend and it was marked on customs as “Valentines gift”.

I would remember if I’d shipped something in for her internationally so my first instinct was “Eh? Who’s this from?”.

She took one look at the parcel and sighed with a combination of embarrassment and presumably regret that it wasn’t from me. Hey, it’s the 13th of February and I still haven’t bought her anything. I’m pretty sure regret will make way for a fist in the balls if I don’t get my game together sharpish.

Alas, she eventually opened the parcel. But not before turning a slight shade of pink, muttering “It’s from my mum” and trying to divert the attention to the contents of the highly uninteresting HSBC statement in my hand.

Fuck up Valentines Day at your peril, gentleman.

I’m sorry, but there’s no way I was going to let this go. A Valentines Day gift from your MOTHER…at 21 years old? What the hell is this? The confusion clouded over to such a point that I was starting to feel reminiscent of the high school love life I never had.

It was news to me, but apparently in America, receiving a Valentines Day gift from your parents isn’t such a big deal. In fact, it’s practically to be expected.

I noticed one of my female friends tweeting last week that her mum had bought her lingerie as a Valentines gift. It seems a little bit crazy to me. What does she expect her daughter to do with that lingerie? Get laid faster and bring home a grandchild? Okay, over-exaggerating there, but surely lingerie is something the boyfriend should be splashing out on before Mother opens her purse?

She doesn’t even have a boyfriend, which makes the gift seem all the more bizarre. I know, I know. A girl doesn’t need a boyfriend to enjoy lingerie. Feminists need not bombard my email with spiteful scorn! The appeal of feeling sexy is liberating enough without needing a love interest to justify it. I get that. But on Valentines Day, the connotations of buying your daughter lingerie scream a little morbid to my…well, admittedly morbid way of looking at life.

To be honest, I’m just resentful that my girlfriend’s mum chose to send a heart shaped box of chocolates instead of a bunch of bras and shit. And also that I now have to track down a present – at the final hour no less – just to avoid being the boyfriend who put less thought in to the big V-Day than his lover’s own parents.

Jesus Christ, who needs pressure like this? It sucks to be a man on the 14th of February.

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