I have to be honest, I could barely give two shits about the royal wedding. I’m only writing about it because everybody else is. I don’t have anything against Prince William. He seems like the lesser of several prehistoric evils currently lurking in the Royal Family. And Kate Middleton is pretty hot. Nothing against Kate. I just think it sucks to be her.
Who would want to be a princess?
Okay, so most young girls. The same girls you’d find snorting coke up a wall if they ever had the chance.
I’ve always imagined the life of a princess to be 5% cute fuzzies and 95% pain in the arse.
When you strip away the Disney fairytale of being a royal, you’re left with the personal burden of suppressing your entire self and becoming the paparazzi’s newest plaything. As much as people loved Diana, the love and fame came at the price of her life. I’m sure Kate Middleton, the brand, is about to go up in the world. But for the person filling those shoes, it’s going to take more than a tiara and a forced smile to keep the wolf at the door.
Many soon-to-weds feel growing pressure and unease as their big day draws near. So imagine the nerves for the poor couple who have to contend with their big day being a public fucking holiday. I mean, seriously, cancel now and you’re going to get lynched by half of a country that already made plans for that extra day off work.
The happiest day of your life is to be screened on the BBC! I’m assuming they’ll have the Eastenders drumroll ready just in case things go awry at the top of the hour. Christ, it wouldn’t surprise me if Kate comes sprinting away from Westminster, straight in to the Queen Vic for a fistfight with Phil Mitchell who somehow shags his way in to the credits.
I’m sure the wedding will go off without a hitch, and the new couple will live happily ever after in a distant pampered palace. Which is exactly why I won’t be watching it, morbid curious goat that I am. But for Kate Middleton, there’ll be more than enough eyeballs tuned in to her every move to make every decision of her future life a tough one.
I hadn’t even seen Disaster Date until five nights ago. But as I sit here now, I’ve trolled almost every video that’s readily available on YouTube. Disaster Date has become one of my all-time favourite TV shows. It’s simply too fiendishly evil and hilarious to be missed.
If you haven’t seen it, the premise is simple. Friends setting up friends on blind dates, where the date is an actor actor charged with the task of getting under their skin. Sounds pretty simple, and it is pretty simple. But I do love a bit of cringe. And this delivers!
For those of you who’ve experienced that awkward blind date discomfort, you’ll feel a whole lot better when you see what these poor guys and girls have coming their way…
So for your viewing pleasure, I’ve assembled my Top Five videos of the best Disaster Date episodes. Enjoy!
Let’s be honest, the web is certainly not short of dating services. We’re never more than a Google search away from a haven for every eclectic taste that love could muster. But every now and then, a dating service comes along that is either so ridiculous or so out there that I simply have to write about it.
Today is that day for the “Date An Inmate” crowd.
If there’s one niche I’ll never understand, it’s the market for matchmaking behind bars. Who in their right mind would actively seek out a romance with somebody who is incarcerated and unlikely to be available for a first date for many years?
Clearly, somebody would. Because these sites exist and surprisingly, there’s quite a few of them.
Take one look over Meet An Inmate and you’ll see what I mean. I can see why a prisoner would use it. I mean, how else are they going to meet new people? Match.com?
But who are the people that decide to be recipients of the mail? It strikes me as a power crusade, not too different from the urge a guy feels when he registers on Dream Marriage and gets happily bombarded by a few dozen Russian runaways looking to snatch a passport.
Who would be so desperate as to resort to a jailbird matchmaking service for the love and friendship in their lives? Do they not realise that these things are ALL around them? If you have to befriend murderers, rapists and god knows what else to feel like you have a connection in the world, there’s clearly something wrong.
Now, I know, it’s not all about love. Criminals are still people. There are good reformed characters behind bars that would love to have a penpal.
But Christ, if you’re using these Date An Inmate services as a last resort for companionship, do yourself a favour. There’s a big world out there. In the search to find somebody who “truly gets you”, you’re digging a mountain out of a mole hill. And probably making a million excuses for yourself.
There comes a time in most relationships where you will find yourself answering the crunch question:
“So, are you gonna tell me your fantasies?”
Cue lots of embarrassed squirming, “you go firsts”, and confessionals that I solemnly swear, sweetheart, my fetishes are not that weird, I promise.
Truth be told, it’s likely that your best kept fetishes genuinely aren’t that weird. A few funky costumes there, a couple of kinky roleplays there. All pretty standard, right?
Somehow it never feels that way when you’re put on the spot.
Fear not. If you thought you were weird, feel free to click the fetish map below and discover a truly mind-boggling compilation of the weirdest fetishes in the world.
As for the most amusing choices of the bunch?
That award surely has to go to the poor bastard who suffers from a “Hamstering” problem. Christ, I’m not sure I even want to know what that is. If you have a Hamstering fetish, you might want to seek medical advice before the RSPCA seeks you.
I’d also love to know how “breaking dishes” can be turned sexual. I mean, unless it’s the consequence of shagging like wild rabbits in the kitchen and dismantling all your cutlery in the process, I just don’t see it. Alas, the fetish map never lies. Some dirty schmuck gets off on it somewhere. As do those in the rest of the Orgasmic Explosion niche.
Fireworks? I mean, come on now. Show me somebody who has sexually enjoyed a firework and I, in turn, will show you somebody with pieces of his face missing.
I guess some people really should keep their fantasies to themselves. Especially on Guy Fawkes Night.
Ever wondered what your husband REALLY wants? It’s probably a time machine so he can go back to 1955.
Behold, the “Good Wife Guide”, as published in a 1955 school girl’s textbook:
The Good Wife Guide
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.
During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.
Be happy to see him.
Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.
Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
A good wife always knows her place.
To any guys reading this,
I double dare you to print these guidelines, pin them on the fridge and take a photo of the look on your girl’s face as she reaches for the milk. Quadruple points for anybody who happens to be dating a feminist.
