I Don’t Want An Acre Of The Moon!

If you’re looking to buy a gift for your partner, please think twice before splashing out on anything that comes with a certificate.

I recently had to explain to a friend that contrary to a very convincing product description, no, it is not actually possible to buy an acre of the moon. NASA is not giving that shit away anytime soon. And even in the event of a sale, you can expect to be priced out pretty rapidly if your search parameters are wedged at £10-£19.

Many online based “space” companies harvest a small fortune from loved up gits with more money than sense. The idea is simple. Of course, you can buy an acre of the moon! All you need to do is hand over your hard earned blood money and enter a recipient’s name for the certificate. In return, your elated girlfriend can call home an officially designated acre of the Moon’s surface.

The certificate includes coordinates, so obviously it’s just a matter of sticking her flag in the rock and installing the first shoe closet.

What these companies never mention, of course, is that the coordinates are registered on their own personal databases. And so even though your girlfriend technically owns a slice of the moon on somebody else’s register, that somebody else in particular has as much right to the Moon as my left arse cheek.

With so many of these coordinate registers already created, the acre you just bought is probably shared in a distant Excel file by some spinster and her cat.

The “Acre of the Moon” gift market is ridiculously huge for a product that is brilliantly simple. I’m not calling it a scam by any means. I actually admire the ingenuity of such a system, and pity the poor mope who thinks he’s cracked the astral real-estate market.

In any case, fake registers aside, what the hell would I actually do with an acre of the moon? The romantic in me says “Oh look at the night sky! Look at that pale orb! I think I just saw a unicorn gallop across my acre!” The reality in me says, “Eh, unfurnished is a pain in the arse.”

How about the classic Name a Star gift? Nothing says romance like buying a distant star for your sweetheart. Except that moment when she realises stars …do not actually last forever. And that hers is due to implode, according to the shitty “cosmic changes” in the Sunday horoscope she swears by.

If you’ve ever been interested in becoming an entrepreneur, or running your own product, now is a great time to take advantage of naive, soppy and desperate men. Simply wait for gift buying season, serve up a tastefully “too good to be true” space asset, and wait for it to rain dollar bills!

Until then, don’t be a clown. Your girlfriend is going to spit thunder if she ever finds out you’ve bought her fake moon estate over shoes.

Never trust a gift certificate. Never.

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