I have to be honest, I could barely give two shits about the royal wedding. I’m only writing about it because everybody else is. I don’t have anything against Prince William. He seems like the lesser of several prehistoric evils currently lurking in the Royal Family. And Kate Middleton is pretty hot. Nothing against Kate. I just think it sucks to be her.
Who would want to be a princess?
Okay, so most young girls. The same girls you’d find snorting coke up a wall if they ever had the chance.
I’ve always imagined the life of a princess to be 5% cute fuzzies and 95% pain in the arse.
When you strip away the Disney fairytale of being a royal, you’re left with the personal burden of suppressing your entire self and becoming the paparazzi’s newest plaything. As much as people loved Diana, the love and fame came at the price of her life. I’m sure Kate Middleton, the brand, is about to go up in the world. But for the person filling those shoes, it’s going to take more than a tiara and a forced smile to keep the wolf at the door.
Many soon-to-weds feel growing pressure and unease as their big day draws near. So imagine the nerves for the poor couple who have to contend with their big day being a public fucking holiday. I mean, seriously, cancel now and you’re going to get lynched by half of a country that already made plans for that extra day off work.
The happiest day of your life is to be screened on the BBC! I’m assuming they’ll have the Eastenders drumroll ready just in case things go awry at the top of the hour. Christ, it wouldn’t surprise me if Kate comes sprinting away from Westminster, straight in to the Queen Vic for a fistfight with Phil Mitchell who somehow shags his way in to the credits.
I’m sure the wedding will go off without a hitch, and the new couple will live happily ever after in a distant pampered palace. Which is exactly why I won’t be watching it, morbid curious goat that I am. But for Kate Middleton, there’ll be more than enough eyeballs tuned in to her every move to make every decision of her future life a tough one.
I hadn’t even seen Disaster Date until five nights ago. But as I sit here now, I’ve trolled almost every video that’s readily available on YouTube. Disaster Date has become one of my all-time favourite TV shows. It’s simply too fiendishly evil and hilarious to be missed.
If you haven’t seen it, the premise is simple. Friends setting up friends on blind dates, where the date is an actor actor charged with the task of getting under their skin. Sounds pretty simple, and it is pretty simple. But I do love a bit of cringe. And this delivers!
For those of you who’ve experienced that awkward blind date discomfort, you’ll feel a whole lot better when you see what these poor guys and girls have coming their way…
So for your viewing pleasure, I’ve assembled my Top Five videos of the best Disaster Date episodes. Enjoy!
Let’s be honest, the web is certainly not short of dating services. We’re never more than a Google search away from a haven for every eclectic taste that love could muster. But every now and then, a dating service comes along that is either so ridiculous or so out there that I simply have to write about it.
Today is that day for the “Date An Inmate” crowd.
If there’s one niche I’ll never understand, it’s the market for matchmaking behind bars. Who in their right mind would actively seek out a romance with somebody who is incarcerated and unlikely to be available for a first date for many years?
Clearly, somebody would. Because these sites exist and surprisingly, there’s quite a few of them.
Take one look over Meet An Inmate and you’ll see what I mean. I can see why a prisoner would use it. I mean, how else are they going to meet new people? Match.com?
But who are the people that decide to be recipients of the mail? It strikes me as a power crusade, not too different from the urge a guy feels when he registers on Dream Marriage and gets happily bombarded by a few dozen Russian runaways looking to snatch a passport.
Who would be so desperate as to resort to a jailbird matchmaking service for the love and friendship in their lives? Do they not realise that these things are ALL around them? If you have to befriend murderers, rapists and god knows what else to feel like you have a connection in the world, there’s clearly something wrong.
Now, I know, it’s not all about love. Criminals are still people. There are good reformed characters behind bars that would love to have a penpal.
But Christ, if you’re using these Date An Inmate services as a last resort for companionship, do yourself a favour. There’s a big world out there. In the search to find somebody who “truly gets you”, you’re digging a mountain out of a mole hill. And probably making a million excuses for yourself.
There comes a time in most relationships where you will find yourself answering the crunch question:
“So, are you gonna tell me your fantasies?”
Cue lots of embarrassed squirming, “you go firsts”, and confessionals that I solemnly swear, sweetheart, my fetishes are not that weird, I promise.
Truth be told, it’s likely that your best kept fetishes genuinely aren’t that weird. A few funky costumes there, a couple of kinky roleplays there. All pretty standard, right?
Somehow it never feels that way when you’re put on the spot.
Fear not. If you thought you were weird, feel free to click the fetish map below and discover a truly mind-boggling compilation of the weirdest fetishes in the world.
As for the most amusing choices of the bunch?
That award surely has to go to the poor bastard who suffers from a “Hamstering” problem. Christ, I’m not sure I even want to know what that is. If you have a Hamstering fetish, you might want to seek medical advice before the RSPCA seeks you.
I’d also love to know how “breaking dishes” can be turned sexual. I mean, unless it’s the consequence of shagging like wild rabbits in the kitchen and dismantling all your cutlery in the process, I just don’t see it. Alas, the fetish map never lies. Some dirty schmuck gets off on it somewhere. As do those in the rest of the Orgasmic Explosion niche.
Fireworks? I mean, come on now. Show me somebody who has sexually enjoyed a firework and I, in turn, will show you somebody with pieces of his face missing.
I guess some people really should keep their fantasies to themselves. Especially on Guy Fawkes Night.
Ever wondered what your husband REALLY wants? It’s probably a time machine so he can go back to 1955.
Behold, the “Good Wife Guide”, as published in a 1955 school girl’s textbook:
The Good Wife Guide
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.
During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.
Be happy to see him.
Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.
Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
A good wife always knows her place.
To any guys reading this,
I double dare you to print these guidelines, pin them on the fridge and take a photo of the look on your girl’s face as she reaches for the milk. Quadruple points for anybody who happens to be dating a feminist.
I recently stumbled across an article carefully explaining the sins and impracticalities of living together before marriage. Yep, you guessed it, straight from the pen of a Bible-basher who’s taken his/her views to the point of extremity.
You can read the article, Should Couples Live Together Before Marriage on Flowing Love. But if you’re blessed with any experience of the twenty first century, be prepared to grow more and more agitated with the passing of every sentence.
The basic gist of the article is that for a couple to live together before marriage, they can only be insecure or uncommitted to their relationship:
“What about someone who says that marriage is just a piece of paper and that it is fine for couples to live together? That generally comes from someone who does not want to commit, and could be associated with insecurity as well. It also may come from someone who does not want to commit, but at the same time desires to be sexually fulfilled, (self-indulgence).”
Hold on, at what moment does a couple decide the time is right to get married? From the moment they lay eyes on each other for the first time? If this ridiculous drivel were to be believed, we’d be catapulted from the womb with the name of our soul mate tattooed on our heads.
Many couples are perfectly happy to live together without sparing a thought for the ritual of marriage. And what of those who can’t afford to get married? Should they bow to the medieval preconceptions of a far-gone Christian and his WordPress?
“If we are truly honest with ourselves we will readily admit that couples who live together, outside of the context of marriage, are living in a relationally premature situation.”
You can rest assured the author is a pampered spoon-fed pony who never had to pay his own rent or find a way to cope with a recession.
Besides wanting to live together, sharing a home with your partner is about the only way for most couples to afford rent where I come from. Should they stay locked up in Mother’s basement until the day they can justify living together with a piece of paper?
With all due respect to Christians, because I know we’re talking about an extreme minority here, this is one of the tell-tale signs of an individual and a belief that has lost it’s place in society. I want to slap the author with a wet fish. That is all.
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Is your Plentyoffish inbox empty? Are you getting the serial cold shoulder treatment?
Plentyoffish seems to be the free dating site of choice for singletons these days. With millions of members and no user restrictions, the site is growing at a rapid pace. And it’s easy to see why.
We looked at some sites like Plentyoffish last week, but there’s no doubt that POF is still the kingpin. The problem for many male members is that it also happens to be an incredibly lop-sided community.
The deciding factor in whether your Plentyoffish inbox is buzzing or bare can be pinned on one hopeless question:
Are you a man or a woman?
If the answer is male, prepare to do a whole lot of chasing for little or no replies. It sucks to have a penis online. This is the bare truth.
But if you’re a woman? Get your trigger finger ready on the “Block” button. Dating sites are lop-sided by their very nature. Plentyoffish takes the cake, though.
Some demographics serve up as many as 15 messages to a female’s inbox for every single message that a male receives.
While I have no interest in using Plentyoffish personally, the sweet science of online dating is something that intrigues me greatly. I just read this post over on the Plentyoffish dating blog and if you’re a male, there are a number of good pointers you can take away. I’m going to summarize for the benefit of all those empty POF inboxes.
If I had to apply some common sense, I would say the easiest way to fix Plentyoffish is a two step formula:
a) Men to send better messages.
b) Women to actually reply to some of them.
But, of course, love is a game without logic.
Perhaps the best advice for guys on Plentyoffish is to strip away any over-powering masculinity and write like a woman. This evidence is firmly supported not only by the case study above, but by OkCupid’s statistical analysis.
Women are suspicious, skeptical, cynical and just downright hard to draw out of their shells on dating sites. It’s an instinctive quality, probably born through the sheer abundance of “creepers” they’ve been messaged by over time.
I’m going to copy and paste one of the most successful profiles from the Plentyoffish dating blog, so you can see how this lack of masculinity pans out. The dude below has been listed as a “favourite” by an abnormally high number of women. But why?
His profile:
“Who am I? . . . I’m Spider-Man. Wait, no, that was a movie! . . . . . I would describe myself as stable in my career and goal-oriented. I enjoy making people laugh. I am intelligent and can carry on meaningful conversations. I care about other people’s feelings. . . . . . When I’m with someone special I like being spontaneous, adventurous, romantic, surprising them with little gestures, sensual, playful, and basically having that type of fun you see two people who just met in the movies having! Someone to laugh with, hang out with, be spontaneous with, and have fun with! I’m looking for someone who has similar qualities and desires someone who they can connect with . . . . . . I feel there has to be mutual physical attraction for there to be good chemistry between two people. So being fit and having good looks are important, as well as sensuality and affection. . . . . . Having some similar interests helps–some things I enjoy are fine dining, walking at the beach at night, going dancing, watching movies including foreign films, travelling, going snowboarding, going on day trips to local attractions, having romantic nights at home, cuddling, and basically having a blast together. . . . . .”
It reads like a woman wrote it. Christ, I’ve seen enough of the PUA industry to have no doubt that one probably did. The language is soft, passive and distinctly nonthreatening.
Just look at those interests! Fine dining, dancing, walking on the bloody beach at night. Are you kidding me? No man in his right mind recites these interests to his mates at the pub.
As for “going on day trips to local attractions”, this is blatant lady-friendly terminology for saying “I like to get rat-arsed and watch the game on Sunday afternoons“. More to the point, it doesn’t matter what you mean. What matters is how you say it. Women will always respond more positively to language that appeals to them and doesn’t scream this man is out to terrorize my life.
It’s important to write your profile in such a way that, despite giving up whatever masculinity you have, a woman can read your shit and have boxes ticking in her head.
So if that empty Plentyoffish inbox is beginning to bother you, maybe it’s time to send less messages and spend more time portraying yourself in a light that women can easily gravitate towards.
Rewrite your profile, or get a female friend to word it for you. I know many guys who’ve done this and seen a big improvement in their response rates.
Of course, the alternative is to abandon Plentyoffish altogether and join a dating site where the playing field is more even. Other dating sites can offer much better ratios of active female to male members. If you join a dating site where the users are more serious about actually dating, well who knows? You might actually get a date out of this whole ordeal. And as many guys would attest, it would be a fine achievement indeed.
Alternatives to Plentyoffish:
If you’re looking for a slightly more ‘liberal’ dating site aimed at casual dating demographics, check out the controversially sexy Just Hookup dating website. Free registrations for users in the UK, USA, Canada, Australia and New Zealand.
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Remember the very first time you laid eyes… on your partner’s parents?
Meeting the family can be a nerve-jangling experience, but there are some easy mistakes to avoid. Without further ado, I present to you, the biggest “first time meeting the parents” faux-pas in the book.
Behold:
First time meeting the parents...
Now what is wrong with this picture?
I think we can forgive the guy for the nervous tension in his face. But clearly he’s trying so hard to keep the smile on display, he forgot to not look like an escaped serial killer.
Ahh, that schoolboy error.
I’ve got some sympathy for the dude. Not least because he’s about to get served a restraining order to stay away from Daddy’s little girl, but also because he’s on the front page of Reddit.
I guess if you’re going to meet the parents, you may as well leave a lasting impression. Just try not to let it be criminal intent, in future!
Plentyoffish has long been recognised as the Daddy of free dating sites. Millions of members, no user restrictions and a name that sounds out around the world. The POF brand speaks for itself.
I mean, come on, even Lady Gaga featured the damn thing in a music video. How many other dating sites can claim that sort of presence in pop culture? The answer is not many, but we can see the tide turning.
Sites like Plentyoffish are beginning to emerge on the horizon, and unlike the many that have failed before, these may actually have a chance of catching on. Facebook has changed an entire generation’s interpretation of how a social networking site should be done.
Remember when it cost an arm and a leg just to open a message on Friends Reunited? We do. Dating sites can’t afford to charge what they once did, because the competition is so fierce.
And who wins in that situation? You!
Sites like Plentyoffish are springing up everywhere, following the trend of giving away a great deal of functionality for free. You’d be surprised just how many dating sites offer the same free incentives as POF. Not all of them are 100% free, but even Plentyoffish has started to implement paid features.
The Best Alternatives to Plentyoffish
Just Hookup – Millions of members onboard already, and growing at a frightening rate, Just Hookup has just the right blend of free and paid features to be able to compete with Plentyoffish. Just like POF, Hookup aims to capture all singles – young, old, rich or poor. But it is geared towards more risque dating. Lots of skin, lots of sex, and probably lots of robots too!
Sites like Plentyoffish are going to be appearing and disappearing very often over the coming months. One thing’s for sure, if you’re looking to find a date online, there ain’t gonna be a shortage of services looking to grab you by the hand. Happy hunting.
Reality television is something I try to avoid for fear of losing my last remaining brain cells. But when my girlfriend seizes control of the remote, I often suffer the displeasure of encountering dinosaurs like Kim Kardashian (Keeping Up With The Kardashians), Scary Spice and whoever the hell else happens to be airing their dirty laundry for all to see at the time.
A reality show that struck a chord with me quite recently is the notorious America’s Next Top Model. Or as I prefer to call it…America’s Next Total Wench.
What a great idea. Let’s watch a bunch of catty bitches argue amongst themselves while occasionally taking a photo that serves to remind us of only one thing. Beauty is skin deep. And often stupid.
Everything I hate about reality television can be summed up in the name of the show. Come on, lady. If you REALLY had a hope in Hell of becoming America’s Next Top Model, you wouldn’t be making a prat out of yourself on Star TV. You’d have been plucked from the audition line long before it got to the point of me choking on my popcorn at how much of a fuck-up you are.
I’ve never had the opportunity to live in America, so I can’t say this with any degree of certainty. But if the women are anything like those to be found on America’s Next Top Model – dumb, shallow as a fart with egos to rival Tyra Banks herself – I can safely say I’d never want to.
And what about Kim Kardashian? Jesus Christ, don’t even get me started on Kim Kardashian. What exactly has this bint contributed to the world other than a sex tape and the unfortunate legacy of her clan’s stupidity frozen on tape? Yet, shiver me timbers, I’m told Keeping Up With The Kardashians draws in a regular viewership of over 3 million households.
Do girls actually aspire to be like these shallow socialites?
Do guys actually get off on the idea of dating one?
To each his or her own. I’m not going to judge. I’m just going to sit here and bury my head in the world’s largest facepalm.
